NEPHRITE FOR PRESIDENT!
ELECTION DAY
Update - Nephrite For President
I, NEPHRITE, HAVE FINALLY BEEN GIVEN SOME AIRTIME. ONE WOULD THINK THAT IN A FREE ELECTION SYSTEM BOTH CANDIDATES WOULD BE PROPERLY PROVIDED FOR IN TERMS OF CAMPAIGN SPACE BUT THE-- HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I PAID FOR THIS TIME, YOU CAN'T JUST SHOVE ME OFF FOR SOME STUPID ARTICLE MAKING THE SAME TIRED CHISAKI JOKES AND HORRIBLY UNFUNNY COMICS THAT ONLY A 5 YEAR OLD WOULD FIND HUMOROUS.
...
YEAH THAT'S RIGHT. AND I'VE GOT A RECEIPT TO PROVE IT BITCH.
WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, MY CAMPAIGN COMMERCIALS WHICH FOR SOME REASON HAVE NEVER BEEN ALLOWED TO AIR UNTIL TODAY.
SOME HAVE BEEN FULLY PRODUCED, OTHERS YOU WILL JUST HAVE TO USE YOUR IMAGINATION FOR. I AM WORKING ON A BUDGET AS THIN AS KOMATSU'S G-STRING AND CAN'T EVEN AFFORD A PROPERLY FUNCTIONING KEYBOARD.
Spot #2: ENERGY
Jadeite has no clear policy on Energy other than "We'll get it somewhere."
Nephrite has a concrete, specific plan. Under Nephrite's iron rule, energy
policy will be simplified. We will no longer depend on polluting, non-renewable
energy sources. All energy needs will be produced by sucking the energy from one
cute red-headed girl named Osaka Naru, who will live in a cage and be fed with
Chocolate Parfaits.
No more blood for oil. Blood is for drinking. Parfaits for Power. Vote Nephrite on Nov. 2
My name is General Nephrite, and I approve this message.
Commercial-WITHIN-Commercial break
NEPHRITE IS A GODDAMN DOUCHEBAG.
BUY MY BUMPER-STICKERS AND STICK IT TO HIM!
Paid for by the committee to Elect Jadeite because Jadeite is ghetto poor like Nephrite but is smart and does something about it
SON OF A BITCH!
Spot # 4: FOREIGN POLICY
Jadeite doesn't know who his enemies are. He promises swift revenge against
Canada. But he doesn't even know what Canada is.
[Jadeite: "I don't know what Canada is"]
Nephrite promises not to bring forth the harsh hand of his judgment on the
Canadians. He knows they aren't worth his time. Nephrite will focus on the
true enemies of our empire: The French.
Unlike Jadeite, who is a French Sympathizer who thinks Wal-Mart
will be enough to conquer the French "in time", Nephrite will act quickly and
decisively, bulldozing France lickity-split. Nephrite for President:
Because he knows what Canada is: That place where bacon comes from. My name is
General Nephrite, and I approve this message.
Spot #5: HOLLYWOOD
Jadeite wastes valuable resources. He wants to "outsource" our Hollywood actors
in favor of "Bollywood" knockoffs who dance and sing in vaguely disturbing ways.
Nephrite knows better! Unlike Jadeite, he knows how to leverage the 10 thousand
dollar face-lifts and cocaine problems of Hollywood elite. They think they know
how to run things, and Nephrite will give them their chance, picking select
members of the Film Actor's Guild to be his cabinet.
Under his dictatorial guidance, these FAGS will help make this world a better
place. Michael Moore will be the Secretary of Education. Sean Penn the Secretary
of Defense. And Alec Baldwin shall be the second in command of the Imperial
Elite. And Harrison Ford will cameo as the Secretary of Transportation,
since he always kept the Millennium Falcon in perfect running order. Once these
FAGs rise to office, they'll fix the world for the better!
Cocaine will be the new aspirin! Just watch out for those nose bleeds. DWI will
be a thing of the past, as no matter how many people you run over, you'll be
able to go to a simple detox clinic and make everything all better, no questions
asked. Nephrite for President: Because Courtney Love shouldn't be the only one
allowed to have a rehab clinic for a summer home. My name is General
Nephrite, and I approve this message.
Spot #6: AIR FORCE
Jadeite is a coward who fears airplanes. He voted to cut the global air
command and replace our mighty airplanes with hang-gliders. But then he voted
against the funding that would equip those hang-gliders with lead steel armour
plating. How can you send someone off a cliff in a hang-glider without lead
steel armour plating on the sails?
Nephrite would scrap this wasteful plan and restore our air forces with cool
flying fortresses like Sky Captain's in the World of tomorrow. NEPHRITE SWEARS
HE DIDN'T CRY DURING THAT MOVIE AND IF YOU SAY HE DID HE'LL CUT YOU AND YOU'LL
LOSE YOUR PARFAIT RATIONS FOR A WHOLE MONTH.
Nephrite: A General who won't get the runs on the runway.
My name is General Nephrite, and I approve this message.
Spot #7: PR0N
Jadeite is a prude who fears the sexy female body. He voted to BAN the
salaciously suggestive scans of Komatsu Ayaka baring her barely legal body.
Nephrite suffers no such weakness. He proposes providing the
populace with all the Komatsu they can handle--and more.
[8 year old Kid: "Wow! I got these cool Komastu softcore DVDs, magazine
spreads, blow-up dolls and video games! I even got this Realdoll(TM)
Komatsu! Now I know *all* of her body _really_ well!]
Nephrite for President: Because Japan demands Vending machines
that stock used Komatsu-brand Pansu. My name is General Nephrite, and I
approve this message.
Spot #8: TERROR
Jadeite says he will end terror, but those are empty words.
VOLTRON
With the power of VOLTRON, Nephrite will not only impose peace and order onto the world, but he will militarize the Middle East AND Outer Space!Nephrite for President: Because You form Arms and Torso, and Nephrite forms the head.
My name is General Nephrite, and I approve this message.
SOME STUPID CAMPAIGN LAW SAYS I HAVE TO ADMIT TO THE FOLLOWING: IKARI SHINJI IS
MY TREASURER AND PROVIDED ME WITH A GREAT DEAL OF HASHEESH SO AS TO BE ABLE TO
PERFORM THESE COMMERCIALS. ANDREW R. IS MY BODY DOUBLE AND THAT'S WHY ALL THE
LADIES LOVE HIM.
